Monday, December 17, 2007

It's Probably Small of Me, but...

I am completely irritated and annoyed by a phrase in common use among attorneys. "Split the baby." As in, "well, the judge didn't really rule for us, she split the baby." Or, "the Oregon Supreme Court made some interesting rulings today on two cases. Seems like they decided to split the baby."

Look. I understand what is meant by the phrase. It's a colorful way of saying that the decision was a type of compromise or whatever.

This use of the phrase is completely wrong and really, really stupid.

King Solomon, son of David, King of Israel had wisdom that was renowned far and wide. Solomon had a rare gift in helping people resolve disputes. He would have made a heck of a mediator. He could have run one hell of a restorative justice program. He helped people see the error of their ways and to forgive those who had wronged them. He was one true mensch.

He was also a premier author of ancient erotica, but that's a bit beside the point.

Two women came to King Solomon, each very upset. This being ancient Israel and all, I'm sure there was some rending of clothes and beating of breasts involved. Each of these two women claimed to be the mother of an infant son. They each told the King the story of the child's birth and how they decided to name him and all that other stuff that mothers know about their infants. Not being a parent myself, someone can fill in all those details for me.

King Solomon was stumped. In all of his wisdom, he couldn't determine which of the women was the baby's real mother. After thinking for a while, Solomon turned to one of the palace guards and ordered him to seize the infant, cut the child in half, and give each woman one half of the kid.

One woman was pleased with this arrangement (please don't ask me how anyone could possibly be happy to receive half of a human child. Unless they were planning on eating him. Yeah. Maybe she was a cannibal).

The second woman cried and fell at the King's feet begging him to please spare the child's life and give him to her rival.

King Solomon made the determination that the second woman was the baby's true mother and awarded custody to her (I'm really glad that our dependency courts don't include sword wielding palace guards--I think the judges might be tempted to use them on the lawyers from time to time).

So. You see?! Not even King Solomon actually split the baby. He was just bluffing! He was using his wisdom to ferret out the identity of the baby's true mother. He was NOT making a compromise between two warring parties. He was not, as mentioned here by the Wall Street Journal (who really should know better), http://blogs.wsj.com/law/2006/03/14/court-looks-like-itll-split-the-baby-in-google-data-case/, trying to decide how wide of a net to cast when granting the Justice Department a subpoena for Google data. He was not trying to decide how much money to award the battling parties in a civil suit http://www.mayitpleasethecourt.com/journal.asp?blogId=951.

Seriously. Please. No one wants the guts of half an infant spilling on the floor. No one splits babies (except for the above mentioned cannibal woman).

Really.